How To Own Your Identity When It Comes To Sex

Our Guest Wellness Editor for August, holistic sexologist Lisa Hochberger, encourages us to bring more honesty and authenticity to the bedroom.
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Most of us can imagine an "ideal self": a representation of how we wish to be seen. For example, you might envision being the biggest girlboss at the office or the funniest comedienne among your friends. It's natural to want to be accepted by others, so we try to put ourselves in certain boxes, showing people how we'll add some sort of value to their lives.

The concept of the "ideal self" often transfers to the bedroom. We want to please our partners, and we aim to ensure that they're attracted to both our bodies and to the sensations we create. It's no wonder that sex is often associated with the idea of "performance."

In reality, sex should be less people-pleasing and theatrical and instead more self-centered. Here's why:

One of the most important elements of sex is authenticity. Studies have shown that great sex is often caused by being genuine, which requires giving yourself the freedom to be unapologetically you. It means being honest about your likes and dislikes with both yourself and your partner while revealing your (literally) naked emotions.

I like to call this “self-centered sex.” It’s the act of being uninhibited during sexual experiences. It’s saying whatever you want during pillow talk. It’s being whomever you want to be, gaining full acceptance from your partner. It’s exploring and discovering sans shame and guilt. It’s giving yourself permission to experience pleasure, worry-free.

When you allow your other half to take you as you are, you give power and permission to both parties. Yes, this can be risky, but with risk comes reward.

“Self-centered sex” is the true key to a great sex life. There is no “secret sex act” that a person can perform on demand to achieve mind-blowing pleasure. Instead, it’s the mindset and intentions that make all the difference.

The next time you enter the bedroom, try to let go of your “ideal self” and begin to own your actual self. Transparency is more erotic than you think. 

p.s. Did you meet Lisa and learn about her holistic approach to sex and sexual identity?